Signs that your church leader might be a Narcissist:
- They take personal offence at any disagreement and need a constant supply of affirmation that they are right.
- They never admit to fault; if they do, there will always be a caveat.
- They will blame others for things that are going on. They have developed an extremely acute level of expertise in ways to blame others. Many parts of their conversation are about blame. From the outside, it looks like an art form and a wonder to behold. When you're on the receiving end, it's totally confusing, unbelievable, and extremely difficult to navigate. Discussions about situations are constantly being re-analysed, reframed, twisted and manipulated until objective truth is a million miles away. But all those in the inner circle will nod and agree. When confronting this person, you will always end up feeling like you are the one to blame, even though you spoke truthfully and were genuinely trying to reconcile things. The narcissist treats you as part of a game.
- They will be emotional mysteries. You won't know where they are emotionally. They will not genuinely tell you how they feel unless it's a means to an end, i.e. if their 'emotion' reasserts them as the 'Godly Leader' or something like that.
- They are disinterested from your emotions. It will never come to their mind to ask how things made you feel. But if you share any of your feelings or vulnerabilities, they will keep that information in the memory bank for later, just in case it's advantageous for them to use that against you at some point. You may feel like you've shared that in confidence with them, but they will, if convenient to show their superiority, share that with others and maybe even put a bit of mayo on the details.
- They will use things they did for you against you. They will even do something for you that you don't necessarily want, but that will be used either as a 'you owe me', sometime down the track or just as a buffer to insulate themselves from criticism.
- You will feel (and eventually be) discarded. They will use you up, and then when they have no more use for you, i.e. you're now exhausted as a source of supply, they will discard you. They love drama, even if they say they hate it. They love drama because they are extremely attuned to turning it into something that makes them look good. Sometimes, if there's no drama around, they will create it to provide the opportunity to make themselves look good by displaying their 'insight' or 'wisdom'.
- Make sure you can say no. i.e. you can recognise when you're being taken from and when you're being drained. When all your energy (both physical and emotional) is being used up, this creates an eccentric lifestyle. Other areas in your life will be left unattended. BTW, the narcissist will point to these failings as being the 'problem'.
- You can prioritise your time.
- You can read the Bible for yourself. You can pray to God and ask Him for wisdom yourself. Yes, we listen to the spoken word but measure it against the scripture (as the Bible instructs us to do).
- You can read Christian books from outside the RFI library. Again, measure them against the scripture.
- You can fellowship with other Christians, and they can have Godly wisdom, too.
- You can self-reflect to get in tune with who God made you to be. Yes, there is healthy input from others, but get the balance right. If it's only what the 'Presbytery' says, it's eccentric.
